Examination

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By Brother John



“Learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”                                                        
                                                            (Matthew 11:29)


Humility means facing the real in oneself, good and bad, not debasing or mocking. And this search for reality doesn’t mean that I forget the rest of life around me. It is all one, and it must be together.

To fulfill the above plea will take some only a short time, some a lifetime; and yet, some will never obtain its fulfillment. It won’t be found in books as such. These may spur me on, but I must sit and look into my own soul and not just gaze but begin to DO what is asked.

So, to learn I must examine, and when I really examine I will see that the more I learn the less I know, and then there will come a certain stillness, an emptiness, and even a frustration of all being lost. This is where I will find out what is asked of me.

I begin slowly to find out I must be humble, poor in spirit; but am I this if I have a hotly stubborn pride in what I have and am, if I see only my own ideas of what Christ said and how I should relate this to others, and if no one can tell me otherwise? This kind of pride does not make me poor, for I am failing to see that all this is from God. I abuse what I have been given—even my own life.

I am selfish in my outlook, and all I want is to get ahead, no matter how. All I think about is me.

So, I don’t make headway in my spiritual life because I think I have and know all there is to have and know—until the day it is all taken away, and then I will weep over my loss. But did I ever stop to think about others? Did I ever weep this way over the loss of God’s presence from my soul? No. Yet, if I were to do that, God would give me his comfort. And once I taste His comfort I will begin to see that the “I” in all I have and do must be a self-giving to God. I can’t possess as if all is mine; I can’t rule people as if they were my servants; I can’t claim my intelligence or lack of it as if it were mine to determine. All these things come from God and they are His. By beginning to see this I will begin to realize…all is mine. Because in the giving up of the “I” to God, I gain all.

But I will still remain unfulfilled because I really don’t have a steadfast interest in God as I do in the many other things that fill my life. So, I will remain empty until I discipline myself to the seeking of nothing else but the real. Once I start, I will find myself a little less empty, and one day I will be filled. I will be happy with those who are happy, and I will be sad with those who are sad. When one is good I will rejoice in the Lord, and when one is evil or lost I will ask the Lord to care for this person. By doing this I myself will receive mercy from God.

I must think of the Lord. Run to Him, ask for His love all the more, praise Him, and I will obtain a pure heart. I must admit my faults to the Lord, and go into the light out of my darkness, as did Azariah:

            “You are just in everything you do,
            All your works are true,
            All your ways are right,
            All your decisions, fair.
            Even when you decided against us You were right,
            when you let these things befall Jerusalem,
            our father’s holy city!
            For our sins had forced your hand to this,
            for this is truth and righteousness.
            Yes, we are guilty,
            for we were wrong in deserting you:
            what greater sin could we have done?”
                                                (Daniel 3:27-29)

Once in the light, my life will raise other hearts to desire evil no longer.

“Be blessed, O Lord! All reverence and awe be yours, now and evermore.”
                                                (Daniel 3:26.)
           

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