No Escape!

Reflections by Brother Luke

One of the most memorable and poignant stories told by our late Brother Elias was about a visit he made to a large monastery of men during a retreat. While there, during a conversation with one of the monks of that monastery, the topic turned to life in the monastery with “troublesome” brothers. Yes, indeed, everything is not always angelic in the monastery. They were talking about the differences between a large and a small community, and the brother from that large monastery asked Brother Elias, “How do you get away from brothers you can’t stand? In a large monastery it is possible to avoid those you cannot get along with.” Brother Elias replied, “In a small monastery, you can’t escape; you have to learn to live with them.” We might also say, we have to learn to live with each other.

We always knew the truth of Brother Elias’s comment. However, how one goes about living with the variety of personalities that make up a monastery is not a cut-and-dried matter. Over the years we have discovered that more than one model can be employed, and they are not all healthy. Cutting off communication or redirecting one’s anger is an unhealthy approach. Since 2000 we have been striving to create an environment that celebrates variety but does not condone abuse. We realized that to truly make progress in this we needed some outside help. That help came to us in a variety of ways: specialized conferences led by invited speakers, lengthy periods when our group meetings were guided by professional facilitators, retreats when we gathered at neutral sites for in-depth discussions about community life issues, as well as individual members taking time for one-on-one therapy sessions. We worked with the Enneagram, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and various other approaches to understanding human relationships.  The goal of this work was our desire to better understand how to live together in a small community where, as Brother Elias said, “there is no escape” from its many challenges, human and otherwise. We noticed that the word that most often surfaced in such discussions was “intimacy.” So we decided to meet that challenge head-on.

In our culture that word is much used and abused. All too often it is linked with sexuality in such a way as to imply that there is no other meaningful way to understand intimacy. We had several conferences on this topic, and they were eye-openers, to say the least. It was never easy going into these conferences, but we all experienced the powerful impact they had on us. As I look back at some of my notes and the readings we worked with, a couple of items stand out for me.  One is a brief “definition” of intimacy that truly touches the core of community life. Another, through pithy statements, gives reminders of where we can easily fall back into unhelpful habits. The first definition is from Erik Erikson:

“Intimacy involves both relationship commitments and the ethical strength to abide by those commitments. It involves the sharing of one’s inner self in detail and depth. Intimacy is the capacity to commit oneself to particular individuals in relationships that last over time, even though those relationships may call for significant sacrifice and compromise. Intimacy also involves strengths of character that support such commitments. It involves being able simultaneously to maintain one’s personal integrity and to meet the accompanying demands for change. Intimacy is a challenge to deeper personal growth. It calls us to our fears, such as the fear of ego loss, and gives us opportunities to confront those obstacles that keep us from opening up to love.”*

To hear about this understanding of intimacy is one thing; to embody it in our communal life is another. This required us to find creative ways to grow in one-on-one relationships, but also to learn how to do this as a group in a safe environment. So the monks decided to add a weekly group sharing session, which we now do on Friday evenings. We had facilitation to help us begin this process, and from time to time we still bring in a facilitator if some issue arises for which we feel a neutral voice would be helpful and that allows all the brothers to participate as equals and not require one to serve a moderator.

It was not easy to do this. Some brothers found it very difficult to share their innermost feelings with the group. We noticed that sometimes the sharing would become pro-forma, and at other times buried hurts would explode and we would need to step back and work though some tough issues. Now that we have been doing this for over 10 years, we have noticed that we are much better able to manage the process, but we also notice that brother-to-brother sharing outside of the group session is also now much more likely to be constructive and affirming rather than destructive and hurtful. This does not mean that arguments are a thing of the past and all is calm. That would be unrealistic and contrary to the human condition. What we now discover is that when the seas are stormy, we have ways to calm the waters.

None of this happens outside the context of our life of prayer: individual and communal.  We are reminded of the gospel story of Jesus calming the stormy seas while scolding his disciples for their lack of faith. None of these changes happens without faith.

But sometimes we also need to be reminded of what we might be doing that is contrary to our goal of healthy intimacy. These warning statements can help pull us back from unhelpful habits:

Rules for Avoiding Intimacy

1. Always be pleasant. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Think and speak positively. Above all, don’t express your anger or critical feelings.

2. If conflict threatens, withdraw and wait for the negative feelings to pass over. Don’t get angry, but be sure to get even.

3. Always keep busy. Make work, accomplishments, efficiency, and success more important than any other things in life.

4. Look out for number 1. Be a winner. Get ahead of everyone.

5. Never lose control.

6. Schedule your time and stick to it. Limit conversation and “quality time with others,” or play to their allotted slots in the week.

7. Always stand firm. Don’t back down or negotiate.

8. When something goes wrong, find somebody to blame.  Try to make others feel guilty and responsible for your dissatisfactions, wounds, failures, or lack of happiness.

9. Don’t tell other people what you want and expect from them.  If they really love you, they will guess what pleases you and do it without your having to ask them.

10. Try to change others. When you find something you don’t like in somebody, try to change it.

11. Insist on doing things the way your parents did.

12. Assume you know and understand others better then they understand themselves.†

           

It no longer surprises me when I discover, at some moment of disquiet or distress, that part of what has led me to that place is captured in one of the “rules” above. It never hurts to be reminded of the familiar pitfalls. The journey is ongoing. Christ, through my brothers and sisters, is always there for support.

*Kevin P. McClone, “Male Intimacy,” Human Development, Vol. 23, no. 1 (Spring 2002), pp. 5-6.

†Adapted from “Don’t Come Any Closer,” by Sam Keen, Family Weekly, January 22, 1984.