Brother John’s Funeral: January 14–15, 2020

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By Brother Luke
            
I got a good sense of Brother John during my visits to New Skete as a retreatant back in the 1980s. I would be in my car and Brother John would come over to me and say: “Why don’t you just stay?” In those days my visits were often with two friends, who had been coming for many years with the idea of possibly joining New Skete. They didn’t; I did. Once I joined, then every few weeks Brother John would come up to me and say: “You still here?”
            Brother John and I had many conversations over the years, some quite ordinary, others soul searching, and some rather intense. After the dust settled from some of the more intense exchanges, Brother John would ask: “Are we all right?”  And I would reply: “Yes, we’re all right.”

            Brother John was passionate about many things: punctuality, cleanliness, simplicity, food, the Psalms in particular and the scriptures in general, the spiritual life, but especially our breeding program. He loved German Shepherds, and he wanted our German Shepherds to be the best possible family pets. He wanted to breed our dogs in such a way as to create a distinctive New Skete German Shepherd.  He finally got the chance when he was made director of the New Skete breeding program in the 2000s. Unfortunately, not long after that appointment, health issues began to arise that ultimately sidelined him from being the director. Others had to take on the directorship, but he remained an adviser. But God sent us someone who shared Brother John’s passion for the program, so his chance to create that special dog was not lost. Julia Gates spent endless hours with Brother John, even driving to Dartmouth Hospital in New Hampshire on many occasions to learn all she could from him about breeding dogs. With the arrival of a dog named Dux from Germany, Brother John saw his chance. Dux was his favorite German Shepherd of all time, and one of his requests was to have Dux’s ashes buried with him. That did happen. And his legacy is now a breeding program with Dux’s line, from the Kirschental line, continued with many of his New Skete offspring.

            Brother John also had many battles with God through the years. He wasn’t afraid to share them with us. As many of you might also have experienced, the deeper the passion, the more intense the battle, the greater the love. At one of our last conversations in the Bennington, Vermont, rehabilitation center he gripped my hand and said he was scared. Scared that God would reject him. Variations on this theme arose many times over the years in our private conversations. As his health deteriorated he felt more and more useless. And I would remind him that his gifts to others were in no way diminished by his physical ailments. I have never known anyone to be as open to others as Brother John. He would listen to guests and friends and visitors for as long as it took to help them through their own personal crises. He called people to check up on them. He was forever concerned about the well-being of others, and he always brightly claimed to be doing fine himself, when we all knew the pain he suffered for so long.

            At one point several years ago when he was sure that his end was coming soon, he told me about the arrangements he was making for his funeral. He said he wanted me to read a statement from him at the funeral. This is that statement. It is crafted from prayers by Henri Nouwen. It is pure Brother John. It is a very intimate insight into his soul.

The following has been my whole way of life as a monk.

“Keep your mind in Hell and despair not.”  -- St. Silouan

Why, O Lord, is it so hard for me to keep my heart directed toward you? Why do the many little things I want to do, and the many people I know, keep crowding my mind, even during the hours that I am totally free to be with you and you alone? Why does my mind wander off in so many directions, and why does my heart desire the things that lead me astray? Are you not enough for me? Do I keep doubting your love and care, your mercy and grace? Do I keep wondering, in the center of my being, whether you will give me all I need if I just keep my eyes on you?

            Please accept my distractions, my fatigue, my irritations, and my faithless wanderings. You know me more deeply and fully than I know myself. You love me more deeply and fully than I can love myself. You even offer me more than I can desire. Look at me, see me in all my misery and inner confusion, and let me sense your presence in the midst of my turmoil. All I can do is show myself to you. Yet, I am afraid to do so. I am afraid that you will reject me. But I know—with the knowledge of faith—that you desire to give me your love. The only thing you ask of me is not to hide from you, not to run away in despair, not to act as if you were a relentless despot.

            Take my tired body, my confused mind, and my restless soul into your arms and give me rest, simple quiet rest.




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