Br David Goes to the Cardiologist
By Brother David
It was late summer and a beautiful day: the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, there was a light breeze from the southeast. Br David decided to go for a run.
Fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap, went the feet.
Huff huff huff huff huff, went the lungs.
Tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump went the heart.
At about four miles into his run, something in his chest went,
GAAACK!
Br David came to a sudden stop and was a little puzzled at this. He checked his copy of Br David: an owner’s manual (6th edition, page 124) and read carefully:
Fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap: feet.
Huff huff huff huff huff: lungs.
Tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump: heart.
But no entry for GAACK!
Br David, being a typical, 21st century, red-blooded, American male of a certain age, decided that, since GAACK! wasn’t in the book he could probably ignore it for now. But he decided that walking the rest of the course might be best because GAACK! wasn’t something he wanted to experience again – at least not today. On his way home there was the occasional glorp! but at least it wasn’t a GAACK!
The next day was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, there was a light breeze from the southeast: a perfect day for a run. Br David started off a little hesitantly but was soon cruising along:
Fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap, went the feet
Huff huff huff huff huff, went the lungs
Tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump, went the heart.
And then at about four miles into his run, something in his chest went
GAACK! again.
Br David was annoyed. GAACK! wasn’t in the book! So he walked the rest of the way—again.
The next day, Br David decided to take a walk. He decided that he didn’t want to make GAACK! a habit.
Fwap fwap fwap fwap fwap, went the feet
Huff huff huff huff huff, went the lungs
Tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump tha-bump, went the heart.
There was an occasional and, Br David thought, rather resentful glorp! a few times from his chest but that was pretty much acceptable – although he could have done without the attitude. At any rate, Br David decided that maybe he should talk to Dr Peter about GAACK! and glorp!. He decided to do it at his next physical examination. That would be in February. It was September now. “Who knows,” Br David thought, “maybe GAACK! and glorp! will just go away by themselves.”
Throughout the fall and winter, Br David took walks but they became less and less frequent. The glorp!s were definitely getting more resentful sounding and more than a little annoying.
Finally February came. The sun was shining, the birds were huddled together, there was a howling wind from the southeast. Br David walked carefully across the parking lot. He wasn’t worried about GAACK! or glorp! in the parking lot. No, he was concerned about falling and injuring himself. He knew that would really be annoying.
When he got in to see Dr Peter, everything checked out a-okay and then Dr Peter said, “Any problems you’ve noticed?” And Br David told him about GAACK! and glorp!. And Dr Peter said, “When did you notice this?” And Br David told him, “In September.” Dr Peter shook his head. He looked annoyed.
Dr Peter sent Br David to Dr Barney for a stress test. Dr Barney attached a lot of wires to Br David and had Br David walk faster and faster on a treadmill while he watched a computer screen.
Fwapfwapfwapfwapfwap, went the feet.
Huffhuffhuffhuffhuff, went the lungs.
Tha-bumptha-bumptha-bumptha-bumptha-bump, went the heart.
Glorp!
And Dr Barney said, “Hmmm, let’s stop now.” He looked at a print-out of Br David’s stress test and said, “We’re going to have you see Dr Mike.”
Dr Mike was a nice man. As soon as Dr Mike walked in he said, “We’re assuming coronary disease and I’m putting you on Simvastatin and Metrprolololol.” (That’s too many lols and not the laugh out loud kind either.) “Also take an aspirin every day and I’m prescribing nitroglycerine.” Dr Mike and Br David talked about GAACK! and glorp! and Dr Mike said, “We’ll do a heart catheterization to find out what’s causing GAACK! and glorp!.” When he said “we,” he meant that he was going to have another doctor do the heart catheterization on Br David. Sometimes people use language very imprecisely. Br David liked Dr Mike because Dr Mike was straight forward and no nonsense even if he did use imprecise language.
When Br David got back to New Skete, he took one of the nitroglycerin tablets and hit it with a hammer. It didn’t explode. That made him annoyed.
A few days later, Br David went to the Heart Catheterization Place. The nursing staff was very nice. They had Br David get into a very comfy bed and brought nice warm blankets. Everyone was very happy and nice. The anesthesiologist came to discuss anesthetization. (Medical stuff sure uses a lot of big words!) The anesthesiologist started to talk about how he would sedate Br David so that he would be kind of drowsy and not remember the procedure. Br David said, “No, I want to be awake through the whole thing so I can watch what happens and ask questions and remember the answers. How many times do you get to see inside your own heart?” At first Br David thought that something went glorp! inside the anesthesiologist, then he thought that the anesthesiologist was annoyed, but finally he figured out that the anesthesiologist was concerned about Br David. The anesthesiologist said, “I’ll have to talk to the surgeon about that.” Br David said, “Okay.”
Dr Patrick, the surgeon, came and talked to Br David about the procedure. After they discussed a few things like how it might hurt and what could go wrong, Dr Patrick said that he was okay with Br David being wide awake for the procedure. That made Br David very happy. Dr Patrick did insist on giving Br David two pills to help him relax so he wouldn’t tense up during the procedure. Dr Patrick also insisted on setting up the sedative so that it could be administered quickly in case things went south real fast. Br David wasn’t happy about that but he knows when not to press his luck.
Then Br David was wheeled into the Operating Room. Someone numbed Br David’s groin where they were going to insert the catheter. The catheter is a long flexible tube that the doctor can use to check things out and inject special dyes to see what is going on. The doctor can even use the tube to fix some things around the heart. “Wow!” said Br David.
Dr Patrick inserted the catheter and when he got to Br David’s heart, he explained what was going on. Br David could look at the monitor Dr Patrick was using so he could see what Dr Patrick was talking about. He said that Br David’s arteries were clear of plaque (Yay!). Then he injected a dye to see more clearly what was going on in and around the heart. The dye made Br David feel warm all over. It was a very interesting feeling.
Then Dr Patrick said, “Aha!” and showed Br David what he was looking at on the monitor. He showed Br David how his heart was beating (Wow!) and then showed him how the coronary distal artery wasn’t working quite right. The coronary distal artery branches like fingers going into the heart. Br David looked and watched as the blood went through. It went tha-bump***swoosh. Dr Patrick said, “That’s where the problem is. It should go, tha-bumpswoosh. When a lot of blood tries to go through those blood vessels -- like when you are running or working really hard -- it makes the arteries go GAACK! and glorp!.” Br David asked if Dr Patrick could fix that here but Dr Patrick said that it didn’t require a stent (that’s a little mesh tube that holds a blood vessel open). He said that Dr Mike would talk to Br David about what to do next.
After Br David was taken out of the OR (that’s medical talk for Operating Room), he was told that he had to lie still for a while, so Br David snuggled in the comfy bed with the warm blankets and took a nap.
When he woke up, Dr Patrick was there and told Br David that he had to keep the area of the incision clean and that Br David wasn’t allowed to do any lifting over 10 pounds and take it really easy for a week. Br David thought “Yay!” to himself but contained his happiness and nodded gravely instead.
A few days later, Br David went back to see Dr Mike. Dr Mike said, “I’m going to put you on Lisinopril.” When Br David asked what Lisinopril does, Dr Mike said that it relaxes the blood vessels so that they can handle it when a lot of blood has to go through them. That means that there will be less problems with GAACK! and glorp!. Dr Mike also said that GAACK! and glorp! can’t cause a heart attack (Whew!) even though they are painful.
So Br David went to the pharmacy and got the Lisinopril and thought, “Medicines sure have funny names sometimes, like Metopololol.” That was too many lols again but he meant that to mean laugh out loud. ;-)) And since then Br David hasn’t had a GAACK! or a glorp!.
So the moral of the story is this: If you get a GAACK! or a glorp! or even a meep? or a KLARG!! that isn’t in your owner’s manual, go see your doctor and tell him. He wants you to be healthy. And if you wait too long to tell him, it will make him annoyed.
The end.
